The Queen visits Colburga
“Colburga, darling!” the Queen purred as she came into the bedroom. “Aren’t you looking enormous today?”
Colburga sighed. Brandt had just left, Cenwulf was out, and she had been hoping to spend a few hours alone. They scarcely left her alone now. And she needed time alone to think – and to mourn – and when there were visitors she had to put on a brave face.
But she would put on a brave face for the Queen. “Good morning, Schatz.”
“I fear I can’t stay long, dear,” Maud said as she pulled a chair up to the bed. “There was a wind that was announcing rain.”
“Ah, too little, too late.”
“I don’t know much about that. I suppose the farmers have been grumbling, but it looks like they’ve had plenty to harvest after all.”
“The fields don’t shrink in the droughts, dear – only the yields. They do the same amount of work and have less to show for it.”
“I don’t know anything about that. We shall let the men worry about the harvest. Now, you’ve had plenty of visitors – I’m sure you have the best gossip.”
Colburga coughed.
“Oh, well, never mind. Let me do the talking. My maids do plenty of visiting too, the lazy things. But I don’t mind because they like to share. I never thought the doings of the peasants would interest me so much, but they do make a funny little story all together, don’t they?”
Colburga smiled weakly and nodded as Maud launched into her tales of love and scandal and intrigue among the castle servants and the humble serfs.
They all meant well, she knew. They all seemed to think that what she needed was to get her thoughts off her own troubles. But her thoughts were not a flock of sheep that one could coax or herd into greener pastures.
She wasn’t even sure that one could dignify what roamed in her mind with the name of thoughts. She didn’t think anything. She only felt… or not even. She only floated on a great emptiness, and she felt the pull of the deeps. Soon she would fold her arms across her breast and allow herself to sink.
But there was this baby keeping her afloat for now. Cenwulf’s baby. She could not see it as hers, for her children were all dead. But she would give this baby to Cenwulf if she could. She would take it with her if she must, but she hoped she could leave it behind for him. She hoped she could leave him this.
“Colburga?”
“What, dear?”
“Are you listening?”
“Oh, I am,” Colburga said before another cough took hold of her. “I’m only a little sleepy and my mind wanders a little, but I like listening to you talk. Go ahead.”
“That’s fine, dear. I’m happy to do that for you. Now, I was talking about what we plan to do for Michaelmas. Alred and Sigefrith are planning on having one festival instead of two separate ones this year, and I suppose Cenwulf should have your people join them too. Will he? I should ask him. Theobald always organized everything for him. He knows what the people here like to do. But there’s no Theobald this year, is there? I hear he plans to come down for Holyrood Day, though. I wish Githa could come, don’t you? I miss having her to talk with, and I’m dying to show Emma to her. But I’m sure she would rather laze around at home with her baby than come visit our tedious selves. If I had – ”
“Her baby?” Colburga asked, suddenly alert.
“Why – her new baby, I mean. If I had the chance – ”
“What new baby?”
“What do you mean?” Maud laughed. “Her new baby that was born at the end of August. You know. Didn’t anyone tell you when he was born?”
“I never even knew she was expecting a baby,” Colburga murmured, stunned. “Cenwulf never even told me.”
“I thought you knew, I’m sure. They named him Ethelmer, after the old Baron. They say he looks like his father with his red hair and his eyes, but he has Githa’s wee nose, thank goodness! What is it, darling?”
“He never even told me.”
“That’s odd,” Maud said, laughing uncomfortably. “I suppose I shouldn’t have said anything. I wonder why not?”
Colburga coughed, long and painfully, before folding her hands over her belly again. “I suppose he didn’t want to hurt me by telling me of others’ happiness, when all I have is sorrow.”
Maud blinked at her.
“Why don’t you run home, darling? I think I hear the wind rising outside. You won’t want to wet your pretty dress.”
“Oh, Colburga, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s all right, dear. I’m happy for you that you can’t understand. Come and kiss me.”
Maud rose and kissed her gently. “Good bye, darling. I shall see you again soon.”
“Good bye, Schatz.” Colburga closed her eyes and listened to the Queen’s soft steps crossing the floor and the opening and the closing of the heavy door.
Now she could be alone.
