Lili's eyes cry

“Lili?”

Lady Lili looked up and saw her husband standing in the doorway of the hall. He did not normally walk softly, so she was startled to see him there. She supposed she must have been more thoroughly lost in thought than she knew. But she hadn’t expected to see him in the morning!

“Egelric!” she cried gaily and lifted her hands to the strings of her harp. “What a pleasant surprise! Do you have time for a song?”

He crossed the room and looked at her suspiciously from under his heavy brows. His eyes seemed as keen as a wolf’s at such times. She passed her hands quickly over her cheeks, but too late, it seemed.

“Why don’t you come and sit a moment on the couch with me?” he proposed.

“Of course!” she said brightly, but her heart had begun to pound, and her stomach, which in recent days had finally become dependable again, was growing queasy.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, more warily than tenderly, she thought.

“Very well! I was only sorry I had no one to listen to me play.”

“Is that why you were crying?” He did not sound as if he believed it.

“Was I?” she laughed.

“Your lashes are still wet.”

“How silly!” She wiped her eyes on her sleeve. “I never knew it.”

“Now, Lili,” he sighed. “I happen to know you may be awoken if one only strokes your face with a finger. I fail to see how such sensitive cheeks cannot detect the passage of tears, as you have sometimes claimed.”

“I don’t pay attention,” she said, a little less cheerily.

“Perhaps not, but I do.”

He paused as if to await a reply, but Lili did not know what to say, since a joke seemed to be out of the question. She longed to be moved by his concern, but she suspected she should only be ashamed for worrying him with her tears.

“And I wish you did pay attention,” he continued, “because I ask you why you cry, and you can’t tell me. I should like to know why you are unhappy.”

“But I’m not unhappy!”

“Perhaps your eyes are,” he said gravely.

“That’s what I think!” she laughed.

“Lili,” he sighed again. She supposed he wanted her to be serious a moment, and as always she attempted to do as he desired.

“I’m a little worried about my baby,” she said quickly.

That was the wrong thing to say. He clutched her hand; he looked frightened. And yet it did her good to see it. He cared about his baby.

“Not in that way!” she gasped. “I think he’s healthy and well.”

“Oh,” he sighed in relief. “Indeed, Lili,” he said, pretending to scold, “you seem so well yourself there are times when I almost wonder whether you are telling me the truth.”

“I wouldn’t lie to you,” she said, and then she remembered she had, most gravely. “About that.”

“I know. I only think it remarkable that you have been so cheerful and healthy all this time. One would never have guessed.”

In truth, she had been as unwell as her sister had. Like her sister, she too had tried to hide her symptoms. She had not flinched when her husband touched her breasts, even when they had ached dreadfully. She had eaten what she could of her meals and hidden the rest, and sat smiling until her husband had gone away and she could flee to the nearest bucket or chamber pot. And all of her fatigue, her pains, her dizzy spells, and her constant nausea she had hidden behind smiles and laughter.

It was not that she had wanted to hide her pregnancy. Her sister had not wanted Raedwald to learn of hers for fear that he would be angry about being forced to adjust his plans, or that he would simply abandon her and take Friedrich with him – as indeed he had.

Lili did not mind her husband knowing, though she would have preferred to wait until she had felt the baby move so that there would be less of a risk of disappointing him later. She simply did not want to bother him with a whining, achy, miserable wife. Otherwise, she was quite happy that she would be able to offer him a child. He would love his child and, perhaps, love her a little for their child’s sake.

“That would have been quite a surprise,” she giggled.

“It was,” he said without a smile.

Lili flushed in shame. She remembered in what circumstances he had learned of it. She did not like to think of that day, when he learned just how deceitful she had been.

“But why are you worried, Lili?” he asked more gently.

“Oh, I am only worried as new mothers who have their first babies must be,” she said lightly and shrugged.

“I assure you, it is quite interesting.” Now he smiled his teasing smile.

Lili laughed. “I am certain it is. But perhaps I shall not be a good mother.”

“But you are a very good aunt to little Bruni. And I think that if you asked their opinion, my boys would agree that you show signs of being an excellent mother. I am only sorry that I have nothing better to offer the child than myself as a father. I hope you both will forgive me.”

“But you? You are a very good father to your boys!”

“To my boys?” he shrugged and sighed. “My boys are too young to understand sarcasm, and they are very seldom naughty. You may ask my daughter what sort of father I truly am.”

“I think I am not helping you with your daughter,” Lili mumbled.

“Now, Lili…”

“She’s right, though. She says I played a mean trick on you.”

Egelric frowned. “I shall speak with my daughter before I go.”

Lili was thus reminded that he was leaving for Scotland in a mere two days’ time, and her breath came short. But she had to speak about his daughter.

“Don’t, please!”

“Why not? She has no right to speak to her stepmother – or any lady – in such a fashion. It is further proof that I have been a poor father for her, and I offer you my apologies for that, and shall procure for you her own apologies for what she said.”

“Don’t, please,” she begged, close to tears again. “I don’t mind if she doesn’t like me. I am certain she has every reason to dislike me. But I don’t want to come between you and your daughter.”

“I think we shall find a middle ground, Lili. She is only a jealous young girl. She has never liked anything that I have loved, even unto my friendships with other men. You mustn’t take it to heart. Don’t cry, now. There! Your eyes are unhappy again, and this time I know why.”

Lili tried to laugh, but she could do nothing but cry by this time. Her emotions had lately begun swerving out of control at around the same time her stomach had begun to settle.

“Whisht,” he soothed and hugged her. “Poor girlie, wi sic een!” he murmured into her neck, and his voice was so soft and so dear that she thought she would be tempted to cry more often only to hear it. But this only lasted a moment, and his voice went grave again. “But my daughter shall honor you, Lili, as I do, because you are my wife.”

Lili nodded and tried to smile. She could not help it if her eyes were unhappy. He could not help it if he did not know why.