Yusuf trusts his doubts
Leila was surprised, but after her first sharp gasp she managed not to show it. Yusuf was too flustered to notice even that.
“Sister!” He sat up on the bed. “Is it time?”
“Not quite yet. They’re just loading the wagons.”
Yusuf slumped over his lap again.
“I only came up for the tenth time to be certain we hadn’t forgotten anything. You know me.” She flicked her hand and waited a beat, but Yusuf did not smile. She decided to attempt an outright joke. “Say, you haven’t seen the baby lying about anywhere, have you?”
Yusuf shrugged. “He probably got packed in with the towels.” He did not laugh nor lift his head, but it was lively enough a response for Leila.
She strolled past the bed to the far window – curtainless since the laundry maids had swept through the room during breakfast and borne off all that could be laundered. It promised to be the first day of clear sun in weeks.
Leila’s steps echoed in the empty chamber, and the light of late morning was chill. Now that the artificial gaiety of Christmas had passed, a hush had fallen over Nothelm, a tense unease that made such simple sounds as her clicking boot heels as aggravating as a drip of water on tin.
Behind her she heard a rustle of straw and feathers as Yusuf rose from the bed. His leather soles carried him in silence.
“You didn’t happen forget to pack a baby brother, did you?”
Leila turned to him. He looked sheepish, but he had sounded a little forlorn.
“Now, what sort of guest would I be if I robbed my hosts’ castle of such a valuable furnishing?”
He laughed. “I’m a furnishing?”
“Oh! An ornament, let us say. I might as well steal the diadem from Hetty’s brow.” She illustrated her point by stubbing her finger upon his forehead.
Yusuf swatted her hand away and grabbed her by the furry ruff of her cloak.
“I doubt anyone but my sister would compare me to a priceless jewel. I’m surprised you do. Crystallized toad dropping maybe.”
They laughed so long together that Yusuf finally patted her shoulders and turned away towards the window. Leila saw she would have to speak quickly, before the thread of the conversation had dropped.
“Some people do seem to find you… ah… dazzling.”
Yusuf understood at once and turned his back to her fully. “To the extent that they do not often look upon me?”
“You don’t know where she looks when you’re not looking.”
“She’s blind, Leila.”
“Her eyes can still follow you around a room.”
Yusuf’s head sank lower. “That’s so she’ll know where I’m standing, so she won’t run into me later.”
Leila sighed. “Oh, brother! You and your nephew are two of a kind.”
“My nephew?” Yusuf’s curiosity was roused enough to turn him around, and Leila waited until it had.
“Cedric. I hereby remind you, O worthy uncle, that you owe it to your dignity to figure this thing out before your twelve-year-old nephew does.”
“What thing?”
Leila pinched his nose. “Love.”
Yusuf wrinkled his face and swatted her arm down. “Cedric’s in love?”
“Don’t change the subject.”
“With whom?”
“With Gwynn.” Yusuf’s nose wrinkled again, but Leila pressed on. “However, we were talking about you.”
“Her father will never allow that,” Yusuf protested.
“Ah! Thus yours isn’t the most hopeless love beneath the heavens after all. Irene has no father.”
Leila smiled, but Yusuf’s expression went from confounded to blank.
“No,” he said. “She has a god.”
“No, she has God.”
“No, she has three gods!”
Leila took a breath. At last she had found the opportunity to deliver the phrase she had been practicing in her mind for days.
“‘Lawful unto you in marriage are not only chaste women who are believers, but chaste women among the… People of the Book…’”
Her voice weakened and faltered. She had not expected a simple quotation from the Koran would have the power to transform her brother’s face into their father’s.
“What did you do? Sneak into my room? Is that the use to which you put the revelation of God, now, sister – to win an argument against me?”
“No, brother, God forbid it.” Out of ancient habit Leila’s voice dropped into the soothing, milk-and-honey tones the women of her house had always taken with the men. “I did it to help you.”
“Are you in any position to help me with this matter?”
“I am your sister.”
Yusuf straightened and blinked his eyes like a man coming out of a trance.
“Forgive me, habibi.” He adjusted the end of her scarf, as though his anger had blown it out of place. “You speak out of love, I know.”
His voice too was warm as honey when he spoke with feeling, and Leila thought it a shame that no head lay beside his on his pillow at night to hear it. She thought it a shame he had no babies of his own for whom to pour it out in lullabies. She knew he would make a good husband and father, however he prayed.
“Yusuf, if what you truly desire is to marry a Muslim sister, then I pray God will show you the way to her. But if your desire is to marry Irene, then I want you to remember it is not forbidden for a brother to marry a devout, chaste Christian woman.”
A shadow of their father flickered over his face again, quickly replaced by a grimace worthy of Leila’s twelve-year-old boy.
“It’s not only that!” he wailed. “If it were only that! But do you hear yourself? Marry Irene? Leila, she’s a Princess!”
“She no longer considers herself a Princess…”
“She used to live in marble palaces! She used to have a slave whose sole duty was to wave a fan at her! She used to bathe in goat milk perfumed with jasmine!”
“We have goats…”
“And I’m a doctor! I don’t have any money! I don’t have a house! I never know when I shall be home or when I shall be called out late at night! And I come in streaked with blood and vomit and pus!”
Leila bit her upper lip so she would not laugh.
“How could I aspire to her when there are other far more worthy men all around her? What about Ralf, the King’s Steward? I believe he’s fond of her. The King’s Steward, Leila! What am I to that?”
“I believe Ralf is more fond of having an audience for his Greek aphorisms.”
“And why not a lord? Lord Acanweald might return this year.”
Leila sighed. “And since she was already in his castle anyway…”
“Or why not a man we don’t even know? Word will spread! She’s still young, still beautiful. She’s not barren, and I’ve nursed her back to health.”
Leila straightened her scarf over her shoulder. “The eunuch might be a bit off-putting…”
“And you’re forgetting the most important obstacle, sister.”
Leila folded her hands and readied her rebuttal against the inevitable protest. Irene had never confided her feelings to Leila or anyone else, to Leila’s knowledge, but poor Irene could not have been aware how much emotion a face could reveal. Her delight in Yusuf’s arrivals and dismay at his departures were not feigned.
But Yusuf said, “I am her doctor. I have seen her partly unclothed. And touched her in ways that only her husband or servant should touch her. It would be despicable of me to take advantage of that trust and intimacy.”
Leila let her hands fall apart. She had not prepared an argument against that.
“It is not uncommon for women to develop affection for their doctors. Or their tutors,” he added with a note of gentle condemnation.
Leila hid her eyes behind her lashes.
“We are taught to avoid it, but not to blame the women, for they are innocent, and it is only natural. However, if we develop affection for our patients, it is a sin against modesty and a forswearing of our oath as doctors.”
Leila could find nothing to say to that. Yusuf waited a moment, then snorted in grim triumph and took a few steps into the room.
“Wait,” Leila said.
Yusuf stopped.
“Permit me to say, habibi, your relations with Irene these past weeks have had very little to do with the doctor and very much to do with the friend. Women do not sit for hours and talk with their doctors. They don’t dance, and go for walks, and play games with their doctors.”
Yusuf stepped forward again, but his stride had slowed to a swingy, thoughtful rambling.
“Perhaps the doctor-and-patient stage in your lives is coming to an end, and you are now free to be friends. And perhaps something more, inch’allah.”
Yusuf grabbed the bedpost and lifted his foot onto the footboard, and combined a graceful, monkey-like swing with an inglorious eleven-stone thump onto the mattress. Leila lifted the end of her scarf over her mouth to hide her smile. Her brother forgot he was no longer twelve about as often as her son forgot he still was.
Yusuf tucked his leg beneath him and hung his head over his lap. “That doesn’t change any of the other things,” he grumbled.
Leila counted a point in her own favor.
“No…” she admitted as she stepped closer. “But you see, there are no absolute barriers between the two of you.”
“Only a lot of tremendous obstacles.”
“If you choose to see them that way.” She sat beside him on the edge of the bed.
“There’s one more obstacle I failed to mention.”
“What’s that?”
“Why should I believe for a moment that she might have an affection for me?”
“Ah, habibi, that’s just you. And Cedric too. There are men so bold they will see a sure sign of passionate attachment in a lady’s look of disdain, and men so shy they will fail to believe in a lady’s love though she expires of longing at their feet.” She reached back and squeezed his hand. “Don’t be either of those men.”
Yusuf snorted.
Leila asked softly, “Why don’t you simply tell her how you feel?”
“I cannot do that. Suppose she does not share my feelings? I could no longer be her doctor. That would be a selfish act. Perhaps even dangerous to her.”
Leila sighed and tapped the heels of her dangling boots against the bed frame. Instead of stopping to think over their logical conclusions, she spoke her musings aloud.
“But if what you say is true, you can no longer be her doctor anyway, since you do have an affection for her.”
Yusuf’s leg flopped straight upon the bed. An instant later he was up and out of it. Leila hopped up on the other side.
“Wait! Where are you going?”
“I’m going to pack. I’m going home with you. You’re right. If I am more friend than doctor here, then I should not be here.”
“Wait!” Leila swung herself around the bed post and hurried after him.
“I was right,” he said as he yanked open the door. “For days now I’ve been thinking I wanted to go home with you. Praise God! All my doubts were only my conscience trying to show me the right path. Praise be to God! I should always trust my doubts.”
He disappeared into the hallway, and Leila knew better than to chase after his long nomad’s stride with her heavy cloak and her heeled boots clattering out a warning of her approach.
“Always trust your doubts!” she quoted at the open door. She shook her head and sighed. “Brother, you and your nephew are two of a kind.”
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Oh, Yusuf! So tortured and conflicted. I do hope he manages to find love some day, with Irene or otherwise. He and Cedric should really sit down and have a talk about their respective (lack of) love lives.
You sure got this chapter up quickly
Nice work 
Sorry about the short comment. I'm multitasking.
Poor Yusuf, I do feel bad for the guy since Irene kinda has a crush on Egelric (god knows why). Maybe a kisor elf from a village wouldn't be such a bad idea; but we also don't need another honor killing. So that would be a last resort. Hopefully Irene will open her eyes and see Yusuf as the right guy...
Damn those oaths! But it seems typical that he doesn't want to be the first to speak of his feelings. Usually a male characteristic in a relationship, isn't it? Avoiding the "L" word.
Was it ever explained why Irene didn't return to Constantinople if she had been married to a Byzantine governor? Reading about the island, it was taken over by the Venetians in 1084. Her deceased husband was an influential man, so how did she end up in Rome again? Giving up marble palaces ..... slaves with fans ...... goat milk baths scented with jasmine even?! Sigh! The life. Always wanted to be a "princess"! Oh wait, ..... my friends think I act like one anyway.
Yusuf would probably be rather shocked if Irene spoke first. It would be very unchaste and immodest of her to do so. Probably a lot of our other 11th century guys would feel the same way, but I expect a devout 11th century Muslim even more so. She's already going to be held to the highest standards of chastity and purity and modesty as it is, being a Christian: Yusuf knows he would have little leverage over her in religious matters.
So he knows he's going to have to make the first move (or THINKS he knows... I wouldn't put anything past Irene... she seems like a little stinker sometimes) but he's just so damned
wishy-washyconflicted. He and Cedric are truly two of a kind. It would be hilarious to see those two giving each other romantic advice. Maybe Cedric is better off asking Cubby for tips after all.Irene doesn't talk much about the circumstances surrounding her flight from her homeland, but the consensus seems to be that her story is tragic. She told Egelric she knew what bad men are.
I could see Irene manipulating events allowing Yusuf to overcome his "conflict". It would be hysterical if you had Leila invite Irene to come stay with them (after convincing Eadie, of course .... she is still living at Leofric's castle, isn't she? I've forgotten if she ended up getting her own place). It's not like you don't have a few women in Lothere that wouldn't have any qualms in destroying the precept of maintaining the high moral standards of the day. (One who is sadly deceased,
... Matilda). I can hear a couple of them spewing a few choice words if they were told they had to conform to that "purity", if they had incentive to do otherwise. Poor Yusuf! I hope he gets over being "conflicted" or he may never know what hit him. Speaking of "hit him" ..... I'll HIT Cedric if he falls in love --with a woman -- before Cubby can get home to him!!
As for Irene's story, until notification in your chapters, I'll happily think that she was taken back to Venice by the invaders of her home after their "rape and pillage" of the island population, .... to be ransomed, ..... but the Doge demanded her release, ..... and her flight to Rome to seek sanctuary with the Pope! With Araphel coming along to offer his protection. Until you change that in writing, naturally. One can pretend until we learn the truth. (Ok! I'm being a little loopy
..... it's late! I'm waiting for my game to load so I can see the "Life of Christ" paintings by Giotto that I did in Photo Studio)
Very glad you're feeling better!
I like the dynamics between those two here. Although I was a bit uneasy at the points when Yusuf had his "father's face". (There is definitely something to that!)
The comparison of Yusuf with his father and Cedric was a genius thing to do! I feel like I hardly knew Yusuf before, and Leila too for that matter. Actually I think we have still just barely skimmed the surface with those two....
Yusuf seems like he's got quite a temper under his shyness and his professional doctor's face. I think Irene should beware!
But I don't think he'll make the first move. He seems way too stubborn for that. I can't really see Irene sheming to get to him either.
My prediction is: Irene will "stumble" into her confession somehow, but do it with such sweetness, that Yusuf has no chance to be shocked. And then they will live Happily Ever After. Or maybe not.
In any case they will be good for each other, so I'm happy as long as they are together in the end. (Gah! In the end. That sentence again...
)
Ann, I agree it was a little troubling, that glimpse of a father who could hypothetically kill his daughter and whose presence required the constant use of "milk-and-honey" voices by the women. But it could be Leila's imagination... she seems to have had some issues with angry, violent men in her life, if you know what I mean. (Godefroy not being one of them.)
But I don't think Yusuf is outright dangerous... he's mostly just wound up really tight, and the idea of his apostate sister quoting the Koran at him is probably a really sensitive thing. (Renouncing Islam to become Christian is far worse than being a Christian from birth and "never knowing any better".)
Like Cedric, Yusuf really BELIEVES the religion he practices, and he's not simply cranky because an oath he made as a doctor is now preventing him from hooking up with a girl he likes. Even without the oath he would KNOW that it would be immoral to take advantage of a doctor-patient intimacy like that. He's an honorable guy. I mean, he's not just crabby and sexually frustrated right now, he's truly conflicted about his convictions, and I think that's grand, and I'm willing to give him a bit of space for now. This chapter was one of those "put 'em together and make 'em talk about X and see what happens" chapters -- which is probably why it came together so quickly -- and it was instructive indeed. Also a bit of relative fun compared to some of the Sturm und Drang high drama that has been going on lately. Yusuf's love life has an almost adolescent cuteness, on top of its adult themes of faith and ethics and honor.
But Irene is Irene! Yusuf may be wrong in assuming she is a stationary body who will discreetly wait for him to make up his mind.
wawa, the Venetians were the allies of the Byzantines during Irene's time. The Doge of Venice, Domenico Selva, is married to Irene's sister-in-law. The Byzantines (and the Venetians) are at war with the Normans, who have won a huge amount of territory in the Mediterranean. Robert Guiscard conquered big chunks of Sicily and the tip of Italy, and he was kicking ass in the Aegean until he died in summer of 1085. Irene mentioned to Eadie that her enemies were Normans, and that's why accompanying Sebastien & Co. to Lothere seemed like a good idea.
Ah! Thanks for the background. I thought I had read it was Venetians. "Must google harder".
I love chapters like these! And I'm happy you're feeling better.
The more I see of these two, the more I love them. Leila is one perceptive, smart woman -- she noticed Meggie/Conrad, and now she's noticed Cedric/Gwynn and Yusuf/Irene as well. This sentence surprised me:
I definitely trust Leila to see what her brother -- and maybe Irene herself -- cannot.
I do wonder if she's realized Gwynn's not-at-all-blatant crush on Finn, though. Godefroy knows, after all.
As for Yusuf, he would really benefit from interacting with his nephew a bit more. Though I kinda imagine they'd be like two drunken men sitting in a bar, being miserable together.
Though I absolutely love Yusuf with Irene, I can't see them being happy together unless Yusuf finds a way to make peace with himself in regard to his honour. Otherwise he'd feel guilty forever. Being a Muslim in a Christian country sure is wearing him down, poor guy.
It's too bad they're leaving. I wish we could see more of them.
Wow.
That was pretty heavy in a quite characteristic light kind of way. So much is against him, yet at the same time so little. He likes her. She may like him. This isn't going to be a 20 chapter storyline. This may take at LEAST a year or two. There are so many dynamics to this. And the political intrigue. And that eunuch. Ick.
Glad that you are feeling better! Stay rested.
I don't think Yusuf is dangerous. I thought that the thing with the faces was more a reflection of Leila's experiences than anything else. At least that's how it sounded to me. I meant to say that there's definitely a history to that. Sorry, if that was confusing.
No, Yusuf just has a lot to deal with. Not only religion-wise or because of his ethnicity. I can't imagine being a doctor in those times was anything like today. It must have been a lot harder. Just trying to imagine the hygiene back then makes me shudder.
That made me think of Irene as a comet. Like Yusuf seeing a fallen star and thinking it very pretty and unreachable, until it comes right at him and hit's him in the face. ^^ Would poor conflicted Yusuf ever be knocked over. ^^
Aw, no wonder I like Yusuf, I keep forgetting just how related he is to Cedric. But yes, while a romance may be nice I think his convictions and religious beliefs are much more important. However, if he can find a way to reconcile some conflicts... Also, Cedric also has a rather aggressive father as Yusuf, it seems, must have had as well. Still, I doubt Yusuf had the "avoid-father-like-impulses-completely" phase. But maybe. I like his self-control, and it's always nice to see wonderful sibling companionship. By the by, sorry it's been a bit, I will be abroad these next few months and will still check up and read regularly, but commenting amount may vary.
maruutsu, I think I've said before that Cedric probably feels a little awkward around his uncle. Ceddy is so worried about his faith (in spite of it being a lot stronger than all of the other boys') that he is perhaps a little leery of getting too close to a Muslim. That, or he would be obliged to try to convert him -- and perhaps he's tried -- and fears Uncle Yusuf would gently but thoroughly rebuff him. But on the other hand there's the whole family loyalty thing. Poor Cedric can't do anything without feeling conflicted about it.
Leila and Godefroy were always planning to leave as soon as the weather got nice after Epiphany (the 6th). Godefroy has responsibilities at home; and although Leila might have toyed with the thought of staying longer to help Alred in some way, there are two problems with that. First, she has been there for over a month and hasn't thought of anything to fix Alred's marriage yet. Second, I can't help but think that Hetty's possible feelings for Leof and Leof's definite feelings for Hetty are nagging at Leila. She has never quite gotten over him. She seems pretty relieved to get out of that castle today.
But she was hoping Yusuf would stay and continue his relationship with Irene -- perhaps even more now that the guest list is dwindling. I tried several times and failed to mention this in the chapter *gnashes teeth* but Irene is hoping to stay at Nothelm for Hetty's confinement. I don't know if a blind woman will be much help in the birthing room, but Hetty will need a lot of support in the days before and after. And unlike Leila, Irene is totally unaffected by (and perhaps unaware of a lot of) the drama going on around her, and she's been really open and friendly with Hetty.
Ann, the thing I wanted to stress about the life of a doctor in this time period was that there aren't going to be all these society matrons with marriageable daughters saying "ooooh, handsome young doctor in the neighborhood!"
Yusuf's role in society is quite a bit lower than what his education would seem to earn him. He is extremely well-educated in fact (much more so than English doctors), but his job description still consists essentially of mucking around in people's insides and bodily fluids. Educated men did not, generally speaking, ever find themselves up to their elbows in anything. By working with his hands he is more on the level of a craftsman, say, than a steward like Ethelwyn or even a secretary like Alred's hot-tempered Welshman.
Yusuf also has the unfortunate habit of doctoring the poor, which means he's mucking around in the insides of peasants (ick) and doesn't earn much except for a couple of eggs or a pair of shoelaces (double ick). If he could get a rich patron (Royal Physician!!) then matters might change for him, but that doesn't seem likely at this point. Not if he stays in Lothere -- unless Sigefrith breaks his 12-year record of perfect health and finally gets sick.
And of course, Yusuf has the extra handicap of being a Muslim. I just wanted to point out that the day will never come when someone will say "I know he's a Muslim, Mother, but... he's a handsome young doctor! *swoons*"
More like "I know he's a Muslim and a doctor, Mother, but he's so handsome! *swoons*"
Nimue! I kind of forget the connection too. For some reason I always think of Yusuf in terms of the other nieces and nephews. He knows Cedric the least -- Cedric lives away from home, for one thing, and for the rest see above. Nevertheless Cedric is the only one of Leila's kids who speaks some Arabic. (One more thing for the poor little guy to feel conflicted about.) But they ARE so much alike! Always worrying if they're doing right! *hugs them both together*
Have fun in the Great Abroad! I reckon we'll still be here whenever you get a chance to drop by!
Has Leila gained weight? The coat makes her look curvier.
Devin! She's a Sim!
So, my sims packed on a couple of pounds now and then. That coat makes her behind look huge. Which actually isn't bad.
Poor Yusuf... he is so conflicted. Hmmm... I just realised that I am pretty sure if you go back and look I start many of my comments with poor *insert characters name*. But they all are so poor and tortured. And I am a sympathetic soul.
So poor Yusuf. It must be really tough. To us these don't seem like that big obstacles to love but in those days they must have been humongous.
Irene doesn't seem to care about the blood and the pus. Hehe... I was expecting Yusuf as he was going through his list to be like "and worst of all... there's that creepy Eunuch guy!"
Leila looked so cute with her scarf. I love that picture where they are laughing, they really do look so happy.
I wish Irene and Yusuf would get together. I think they would make really cute babies.
And Cedric... I didn't really think that much about the fact they are related, but now that you mention it they are rather alike. They should started a tortured menfolk club. I'm sure there would be other applicants... Egleric and Alred for starters. Aelfden definitely gets a membership card. Hey... most of the menfolk in Lothere could join. Not Young Sigefrith. He is not allowed. He can't do tortured. Even when he was tortured he wasn't if you know what I mean. As in compared to the depths of despair some of the other Lotherians have reached Young Sigefrith doesn't really have it in him. His tortured was just kicked puppy when we are seeking self sword-stabbing, ice through-falling, starving, flagellating tortured.
Yeah... I don't think I'm making much sense. I'm a bit exhausted. I think I'll just go now. Great chapter *thumbs up*.
It doesn't make much sense but it is still hard not to laugh out loud at work.
I don't think Old/Ugly Sigefrith gets into the tortured menfolk club either. Like his godson, even when he was tortured, he wasn't. He even tried a couple of times to turn himself into an alcoholic, and each time his irrepressible optimism won out. What can an author do with a guy like that?
The most tortured he got was banging his head on the wall a couple of times. I (and Alred and Egelric) scoff at that kind of tortured. His tortured is normal and boring and you only get into the tortured menfolk club with inventive levels of torturosity.
You know who else wouldn't make it in... Stein. Though he has had quite a few knocks he still gets up in the morning and deals with it in a fairly normal griefstricken fashion, taking care of his family and generally being nice and polite to everyone and doing his duties. No tortured club for him.
Heheh! I thought of Stein too! Stein and Sir Baldwin were my two other ideas for guys who would be automatically barred from the tortured club.
Oh, and the Captain! Can you imagine the Captain trying to be all brooding and tortured. He would probably manage for an hour or two, then burst out laughing at himself and go looking for someone to invite out for beers and a game of pool.
And K! K couldn't be tortured. He would have to join the Captain in The Guys Who Can Laugh At Themselves Club. See, I can write non-tortured men!
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