Cenwulf is a fool

“Are you asleep, Edris?” Cenwulf asked with a voice that was rather more dull than soft.

Edris was not asleep. She had heard him come in and had been listening to him undress. Thus far she had made no sign of having heard; he was usually very careful not to wake her, and, not knowing his reasons, she usually preferred to let him believe he had not. Tonight he seemed to want her.

“I’m awake,” she said softly. “Is it late?”

“Quite late. But you have a good fire.”

“I added a log when I got up for Ardith.”

“She has awoken already? It is late indeed,” he sighed.

“How is Sigefrith?”

He let his head fall back against the headboard with a thud.

“Bad?” she guessed.

“Rather. Leofric and Eadgith have been making trouble, on top of the rest.”

“What did they do?”

“I don’t know. But it has greatly aggrieved Sigefrith. He sent them both away.”

“Then who was there tonight?”

“Only Alred, and he left early. It is all over, Edris,” he said softly, but he seemed to be talking to himself more than to her. “The funeral is over; the rest of the world has gone back to its business. I don’t doubt Alred went home and played with his children and joked with his men and made love to his wife. It doesn’t seem possible, but it must be so.”

“Why shouldn’t it be possible?” she asked, chilled.

“It is the hardest time,” he said, and he spoke to her, although it did not seem as if he intended to answer her question. “Now he has to begin to live again.”

She did not know what to say. She was not even certain he spoke of Sigefrith. “He has his children…” she said. “He has his friends.”

“His friends!” Cenwulf muttered. “Leofric can’t behave himself even at a time like this, and Alred can’t be trusted not to start bawling like a veal-​​calf at the least thing.”

“He has you,” she said with a hesitant smile, and she impulsively laid an arm over his shoulder.

“I?” he whispered, as if astonished. “I? Edris, you have no idea. What can I do? You don’t know what he was to me when I lost my family. When my children died, he told me I had to be strong for Colburga, but I didn’t have to be strong for him. If I needed to fall apart, he was there to put me together again. He was strong for me. And when I lost Colburga, I had to be strong merely to stay alive, but he was strong for me when I couldn’t be. Do you understand?”

She nodded slowly, trying to understand. He had never said so much to her about his loss.

“I still need him to be strong, Edris. I still need him,” he said, his voice trembling. “What can I do for him? If I am strong for him, who will be strong for me?” he asked, shaking his head as if he had hit upon an unsolvable dilemma.

His face wavered behind the veil of tears that drew across her eyes. If he had to ask, was it any use telling him? Was it possible that he could speak so to her without ever noticing she was there?

“I shall be,” she whispered.

He looked at her as if he had indeed only just noticed she was there. “Thou?” he asked.

She did not know what she saw in his eyes. She felt as if she had stepped into a place that had been declared forbidden to her, and she was only waiting for the guards to arrive.

“Forgive me, Edris. I am such a fool.” He lifted her up and laid her down again and then kissed her as he only ever did in their bed.