Leofric is forgiven

There was nothing more that could be done for Sigefrith.

He had always refused to be bled, and no one dared impose that procedure on the King when he was in no condition to consent to it. They had applied cold towels and hot bandages at intervals, but it had been done more to reassure Lady Eadgith that something was being done. Leofric and Alred had seen plenty of head injuries in their time. They knew that they could only wait, pray that he would wake, and hope that he would be himself when he did.

Alred had taken charge, despite the fact that they were in Leofric’s own castle. Leofric had been somewhat relieved: he was sober enough by now, but he felt himself to be in a sort of guilt-​induced stupor anyway.

Alred had decided they would take turns watching the King through the night, and he had assigned to Lady Eadgith and her son the first shift. Leofric had expected to watch with his nephew, but to his surprise, he was told he would be sitting with Alred himself until moonset.

And this was how he found himself here, sitting at Alred’s side, as he had not done since long before the death of Alred’s wife.

“Stupid ass,” Alred muttered after a very long, very uncomfortable silence.

“Are you speaking to me?”

“I was speaking to this double-​ninny in the bed here, but it is true that the epithet could be as readily applied to you.”

“Because I got him drunk and took him hunting?” Leofric asked, growling because he could scarcely bear his remorse.

“It is true that there are several possible reasons why I might call you a stupid ass. But in the event, it is indeed because you got him drunk and took him hunting.”

“He is my dearest friend, Alred,” Leofric said. “I have loved him since he was a baby. I shall never survive if he does not.” And then he winced as he realized that Alred could easily reproach him for having survived Matilda’s death, which was as much or more his fault.

But if Alred thought of this reproach, he did not speak it. “I’m not about to get into an argument with you over who loves Sigefrith more. The Lord knows I lost the last such contest with you.”

“I’m sorry,” Leofric mumbled.

“Pardon me?”

“I said I’m sorry. About… your wife…”

“Ah! Forgive me, but I wanted to hear it properly. It took you four years, but it is finally said.”

“Have I never said it?”

“Not to me.”

“Oh. That is…”

“I wondered whether you meant to apologize to me before my wedding. Now I shall have to invite you.”

“You needn’t.”

“I shall anyway. You’re bound to give us a handsome gift.”

“Eadgith meant to in any case.”

“Eadgith always has been invited, and I hope she will come, baby birds and all. But if she meant to give us a handsome gift on her own account, then you owe us another.”

“Understood.”

“Mind you, I do not forgive you merely because I have found a new wife whom I love.”

“I know it,” Leofric mumbled.

“I forgive you because I have some idea of how you felt, and because I very nearly did what you did.”

Leofric looked up at him in surprise—as much because Alred said he was forgiving him as from the strangeness of this half-​confession.

“There have been times,” Alred laughed ruefully, “when I have thought that the Lord sent this folly on me to teach me to forgive you. And I have even thought that He sent you to me on that night—do you remember? when you learned of Leila’s pregnancy?—in order to warn me against committing this folly. I didn’t commit it, mind. But perhaps I would have if the lady had been willing,” he sighed. “I don’t know.”

“Lili?” Leofric asked.

“How did you know?”

“It’s the only one I could find. Edris is not the sort of woman you would like, and even you aren’t fearless or foolhardy enough to come here and tell me you tried to seduce my daughter. And Egelric is one of your closest friends. As you were once to me,” he added, though it cost him to do it.

After a moment Alred asked thoughtfully, “Do you think Lili is the sort of woman I would like?”

Leofric shrugged. “Hetty suits you better.”

“That she does. I don’t know why it took me so long to notice. I suppose it was because Lili seemed so… so alive…” His voice trailed off into a helpless whisper. “And Matilda is so dead…”

Leofric sighed and rubbed his hands together. They were growing very damp.

“Tell me something, Leofric. Since I have forgiven you, I feel I have the right to ask you questions. Did you love her?”

“Matilda?” Leofric whispered.

“Yes, Matilda.”

Leofric did not know the correct answer to that question. He did not know what Alred wanted to hear. He decided he would rather hang for the truth than for a lie, and so he said, “Yes.”

“Did she love you?”

Leofric did not know the answer to that question at all. “I have asked myself the same thing a thousand thousand times,” he murmured. “She remains a mystery to me. But I do not think she did.”

“Why not?”

“Would you?”

Alred laughed. “A most ingenious argument. Nevertheless, I believe Eadgith does.”

Leofric waved a dismissive hand. “A different sort of woman.”

“A different sort of love too.”

“No doubt.”

“Ah, well,” Alred sighed. “We must satisfy ourselves with that sort now.”

“It is an agreeable sort when one starts getting old and wants to be fussed over.”

“I find it so,” Alred admitted. “Though I am not quite done with fussing yet on my own part.”

“That is just as well with a twenty-​year-​old wife. You have another twenty years of children to look forward to.”

“I shall be having children who are younger than my grandchildren, as you stubbornly continue to do.”

Leofric chuckled. “That can be rather agreeable too.”

“With a sufficient number of nurses, so that one may sleep through the night regardless.”

“That is quite true. The great advantage of grandchildren is that they have fathers of their own.”

“Damn,” Alred sighed. “Dunstan is fifteen already.”

“And Brit is almost thirteen.”

“Don’t remind me.” Alred cried softly, “Wake up, old man!” and leaned forward to shake Sigefrith’s arm beneath the blanket. “We haven’t reached the best part yet. You’ll want to see what your grandrunts look like with Matilda’s eyes and Harold’s nose and your own square chin.”

Sigefrith was still, and for a long while so were they.

“Is that why you wanted me in here with you tonight?” Leofric asked suddenly.

“Is what why?”

“To tell me you forgive me.”

Alred shrugged. “Perhaps. I have recently been reminded that it is best to say certain things before it is too late.”

They both looked at Sigefrith.

“And that’s the other reason,” Alred said. “Damn you, Sigefrith! This is where you’re supposed to wake up and tell us what a touching conversation this has been, and pretend to sniffle, and then laugh at us and call us triple-​ninnies.”

But Sigefrith was quite still, and until moonset so were they.