Iylaine lets herself drop

It was that brief moment of the day when the sky was still bright though the sun was already gone, and the clouds were still lit with pink and crimson from below. It was that brief moment when the day teetered at the brink of night before it plunged into the deepening blue, before the crimson drained away, before the stars came sparkling out like flecks of moonlight on dark water, before the moon itself was bright.

It was that brief season of the year when the days were warm and the shadows were not too long to measure, though the nights were cold enough for fire, and a fringe of moonlight clung like snow to the first fallen leaves. It was summer balanced on the narrow edge of autumn, before slipping down in its ever-​​quickening descent towards winter.

It was that day of the year when the light came in equal measure to the dark, when the crickets left off their singing, and when the geese lifted their heads to the wind and admitted it was time to go. One of the long spokes of the great wheel of the year had reached its highest point, and it and all the animals seemed to pause for a moment in recognition before rolling on.

It was the day that sounded the doom of all the lovely, growing things. It was the seal of sleep upon the world, and Iylaine, alone among the men, felt it fall upon her head. But there was no one who could explain it to her, and she could not understand.

Iylaine lay balanced on the edge of a bale in the loft above the king’s stable. Below her the horses rustled their hooves in their straw to satisfy themselves of the warmth that would be provided them in the winter. They sniffed the sweet smell of oats that lingered in the bottom of their mangers to remind themselves that they would have plenty to eat. But Iylaine, who lay above them, did not know what she lacked, and so she could not reassure herself that she would have it. She was feeling more like the geese, who had no choice but to fly.

She heard Malcolm coming long before he reached the stable, for Malcolm talked to everybody he met along the way. He knew the name of every man and woman on the castle hill, and she heard as he approached that he knew whose baby was ill, and who had been to the smithy that day to see the fight, and who had lost and won their bets thereupon.

It seemed that the only thing he did not know was that she was here, for when he entered the stable and Druid stuck his head out to whinny at his former master, he swore in surprise, and then laughed in delight.

Nor did he know how to talk to horses, for he had to ask one of the grooms where she was. But he was in such a hurry to see her that he gave Devil to a groom to be cooled down and put away, which was something he very rarely did.

He did not call up to her, but only came padding lightly up the ladder like a tall cat, growing taller and taller as he climbed. There was no doubt Malcolm was growing into a tall man. Though he was nearly seventeen, his growth showed no signs of slowing, whereas Iylaine seemed to have reached her final height. She could still wear dresses she had worn over a year before.

It seemed now that her nose would never reach higher than her cousin Vash’s shoulder, and the thought made her weary with a sort of despair. It didn’t matter, of course. He had not come to see her since early summer of the year before. Perhaps she would never see him again.

But she had this cousin among the men.

She sat up as Malcolm came to sit on the bale. It would have been folly to lie down before Malcolm.

“I didn’t expect to find you here, Babe.” He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her intently enough that he did not seem to want an explanation for her presence. But he stopped suddenly to ask, “Is your father here?”

Malcolm was always more cautious when her father was around. The Duke was far more indulgent a guardian for her, if only because he was perpetually distracted these days.

“Did you see his horse?” she grumbled.

“No, but I didn’t look.”

“That isn’t like you.”

“I forgot everything when I saw Druid and he told me my Baby was here,” he smiled.

“That was Druid?” she smirked. “I thought it was the groom.”

“I taught him how to imitate voices. A man can go far with a horse that can speak in tongues and a girl who can throw fire. Why don’t you light us the lamp? If it’s up here?”

He looked around for the lamp they usually kept in the loft, but he did not find it in the gloom until she caused it to flare into light. He laughed delightedly.

“You don’t want the light,” she complained. “You only want to see me light it.”

“Don’t you think I like to look at beautiful you?”

She sniffed, and he only kissed her again.

There was no resisting Malcolm – at least not when he tried to kiss her. For the rest, she tried holding him off, but she had the feeling that she was losing ground every time they met. When once she let him kiss her here or touch her there, it was far more difficult to say no to him the next time. She felt as if she was always finding a new equilibrium, teetering on the edge of some steep slope, only to slip down until she reached the brink of the next. She did not know how to climb up again.

“But is he here?” he asked abruptly.

“No, only everyone else. Alred decided he wanted to invite himself for supper here. He was bored at home.”

“If ‘everyone else’ is here, what are you doing up here, little girl? Waiting for me?”

“I don’t know,” she sighed. “I wanted to be among the animals.”

“Does he mean for you to spend the night?”

“I think not! We didn’t bring nightclothes or anything.”

“You may come sleep in my room,” he grinned. “You won’t need any then.”

She scowled at him.

“I’m only teasing, Babe,” he laughed. “Until the day you want to take me seriously, of course.”

Then there had been those occasions when she had not tried to keep her balance, but had fairly flung herself off the cliff, or at least let herself fall. This she could not explain except by some weary sort of despair. Most of the time she struggled against him with the instinct of an animal who fights to keep the water from closing over its head, but there were times when she had thought the most reasonable thing – even the most desirable thing – was to let herself sink.

He kissed her again, with one arm around her, and the other stroking through her hair with enough force that he tipped her head back and was able to kiss her beneath her little chin, which he claimed to love so. She knew what he would do next. He would tilt her head to the side, brush back her hair, and kiss her pointed ear.

It was only recently that she had let him touch her ears at all. All her life she had been so careful to cover them with her hair that letting him see them and kiss them now was almost like opening the front of her dress to his eyes and lips and hands. That too would surely happen soon, she thought, but somehow her little elfin ears seemed more sacred to her than all the rest of her body.

Of course, that too would surely be his before long. Malcolm was as slow and certain and unstoppable as the tide. There were times when she only wanted to let him sweep her away.

Now that he was busy with her neck and ears, she opened her eyes and looked up at the rafters of the stable. The shadows were blue now, for all the crimson had drained out of the sky. The day was over, and there would not be another so long until her birthday, six months hence.

It was also her cousin’s birthday, though she would not see him then, either. He had not forgotten her entirely, for between them they still moved a black stone from hollow to earth to hollow again, but it seemed to be all he cared to do for her. Perhaps he even asked Kiv to do it for him sometimes, now that Kiv knew about the tree. Or perhaps Kiv had taken it upon himself to do it because Vash had grown bored with the game, and Kiv had compassion enough not to want to see her hurt. But it hurt anyway.

She closed her eyes again to keep the tears from coming. They came anyway.

Malcolm lifted his head when her wet cheek brushed against his. “Why does my Baby cry?” he asked gently. He could be very gentle in his slow and certain and unstoppable way.

“Do you ever want to simply go away?” she asked, though she did not know why. “Like the geese?”

“Sometimes I think I should like to go away with you for a while,” he said. “Alone.”

Perhaps that was what she wanted: to go away and be alone. With him?

“Go where?” she asked.

“Anywhere you want to go.”

“I don’t know where,” she whined.

“Ach, Baby!” he sighed. “Just like a girl! Leave first, figure out where we’re going later. When you decide, you tell me. Or even when you’re simply ready to go. It’s all the same to me, so long as you’re there.”

He stared into her face for a moment with a look of concern on his. It was the look she saw whenever he looked at her when she was hurting, and which seemed to reveal a small, sharp pain of his own.

Often when he had that look he would touch the shadows beneath one of her eyes with the tip of his finger. On this night he only looked at her. His eyes seemed dark and wet in the lamplight.

“I want to go into your eyes, and down and down and down,” she murmured, though she did not know why.

He laughed softly. “You, silly girl, have been spending too much time with the Duke.” But he seemed pleased with the idea, and he hugged her close.

She saw now that this was one of the times when she wanted to let herself sink. She did not want to hold him away with her arms, but rather hold him closer – impossibly close. She squeezed him and pressed her face against his neck, in the shadow of his hair.

He felt the change in her at once and responded by tipping her back to lie atop the bales, kissing her face all the way down.

They hadn’t much time before supper, but she knew that when he sat her up again she would have lost a little ground. Perhaps she would let him loosen the laces of her corselet and slip his hand inside, as he had seemed to want to do in these past weeks. Perhaps she would kiss his round ears as she thought he would like, and as she had never dared. She didn’t know. It was easiest to let herself be swept away.

Still some animal instinct awoke briefly in her as her hand slipped off of the bale and she felt herself teetering on the edge, relying on him for her balance.

“I’m falling!” she gasped.

He shrugged her free arm up onto his shoulder to join the other. “Silly Baby!” he whispered. “As if I should let you drop!”